A Winner Or A Loser
by JESSting123
Summary: EO AU The whole gang is stuck in the bullpen because of a lockdown. What to do? Play a game! A game that opens old wounds and, for two detectives, opens doors to possibilities. Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** Nope. Dickie still hasn't let me even BORROW them yet. I doubt he ever will. And seriously, if they were mine do you think Kathy would be pregnant? Elliot would be going home? Elliot and Liv not even hugged on air ONE TIME? And really, do you not think that if I owned them El and Kathy would've been over in the first season and that by now Liv and El wouldn't have had a big bundling brood of kids? Really though? What do you think?**

**Author's Note:**** Well, I pretty much said it all there. The last three or four episodes sucked ass because Elliot is (probably) going home and it seems as if Dean Porter is interested in Liv and maybe she's interested too. Ugh, well read on my fellow EO lovers, read on.**

**Oh, and review.**

I do not believe I am where I am. It's Memorial Day. I should be home with my kids and pregnant wife, ex-wife. Whatever. But no, I'm stuck in a procedure lock-down of my whole friggin' precinct and suddenly, sadly, I remember what my 'whatever- wife' told me yesterday.

_**Flashback**_

_"What?!?!?!"_

_"You heard me Elliot. I'm not sure."_

_"How the __**HELL**__ can you 'not be sure' about whether or not it's my child you're carrying?"_

_"How do you think Elliot? I'm not some dried up old prune you know. I wasn't just gonna sit around and knit while you were banging your partner and contemplating whether or not you __**really**__ wanted to come home, you know. I did see other people!"_

_"DO NOT BRING LIV INTO THIS KATHY! She has absolutely nothing to do with the conversation we're having and we are not sleeping together even though that's what you've made yourself believe over the last eight years!"_

_"Fine. Whatever Elliot. I'll call you next week when I get the conception date results. Now get out of my house."_

_**End Flashback**_

Yea. She came to me all depressed and begging me to come back home. "Not for the kids Elliot. For me." That's what she'd said. Or something to that effect at least. It had worked. And now, a few weeks later, I realize all she said was a lie. And I may be weak for thinking so, but damn it that stings. More than the seperation. More than the divorce. More than the fighting. She had given me hope. And then ripped my heart out all over again.

"Anyone as bored as Little Old Me?" Our strawberry-blonde ADA Casey Novak asked from her temporary seat on the edge of my partner's desk.

There was a chorus of "Me!" from Liv, Fin, Melinda and Munch along with two affirmitive nods from Don and I.

"Wanna play a game?" Melinda asked.

"Not that I'm complaining or anything but why are the two of you here?" Munch asked Casey and Melinda.

"We _were _picking up Liv for lunch and girl talk. That is until they locked the whole damn building down for a 'routine procedure.' What the hell is this? A friggin' elementary school?" Casey answered and grinned cheekily at my partner.

"Yep. Anyway, back to my question. Anyone wanna play a game?" Melinda asked again and grinned at Liv who cocked one eyebrow up in a confused expression. "It's Livvie's favorite." A loud groan escaped my partner and she dropped her head back revealing all of her neck in a very vulnerable fashion. And for some damn odd reason I had the insane urge to kiss her right where I could just barely see the scar that she had gotten on that fateful day when Gitano emerged into our lives and any form of sanity vanished. I brushed the thoughts from my mind and went on listening to the girls talk.

"No Mel! Please! I always win!" She groaned.

"Isn't that the point of a game?" Fin asked her with a funny expression.

"Yep. Liv just doesn't like revealing kinky little details. Do you Livvie Rae?" I had to laugh when Olivia glared at Casey for calling her 'Livvie Rae.' The only person that she let's get away with that is me and everyone know's it. I'm also the only one who really knows her full name other than Don because he read her personelle file and I coersed her with Ben and Jerry's Everything But The...

Honestly, what was her mother thinking? Olivia Serena Rae-Ann Benson. Quite a mouthful when you're just getting ready to learn to write your full name in pre-school or kindergarten or whenever the hell she learned to write her name.

"All right, we're playing. No objections." I said and squeezed Liv's arm playfully. "I'm sure I already know anything that will be revealed."

She rolled her head to the side and gave me a look that could kill. "No. You don't." She said with an exasperated groan and finally sat up in her seat nodding at Casey. "All right. Fine. I'll play."

"Good. The name of the game is 'Who? When? Where?' Liv would you like to explain the directions?"

Rolling her eyes she began. "Basically you explain you're first time having sex. Who it was with, full names if possible. When, as in how old you were when it happened. And where were you. Not like a city. Like an actually location. And you have to write it down so we know you're not cheating. Got it? Good. Mel can start."

"Ya know, I would, but you failed to explain how you always manage to win Olivia." She smirked at Liv's face and turned to the rest of us. "You see, to win, you have to be the youngest one to lose their virginity." I'm pretty sure all of us men started choking on our own saliva and Liv's face turned as red as a tomato. When we all calmed down and wrote down our answers Melinda began.

"Allright. It was Michael Arron Prichet. I was fifteen he was sixteen. It was in the back of his dad's pickup in the woods behind his aunt's house. Your turn Casey." We all took in the information and then looked to Casey.

"Kay. It was Brandon Leon Michaelson. I was sixteen. He was...thirteen." That earned a few big eyes and raised eyebrows but we let her continue. "It was in his horse shed right after a 4-H convention. Fin. Your turn."

"It was last night in the cribs. Me and Liv." We all burst out laughing and Olivia rolled her eyes. "But seriously, I have imagined..."

"Okay! Okay! Let's just play the game!" Liv said and we all laughed again.

"Fine. Patricia Monica Daggy. I was fourteen and she was just a couple weeks younger than me. It was in her bedroom while her parents were on vacation. John. You're up."

"Do I have to?" He whined and we all laughed, nodding. "Fine. Lisa Leann Lewindowski. No joke. I was seventeen. She was fifteen. It was in a church loft after services. Allright, Cap's up. We're saving Liv and Elliot for last."

"What? No. No. I'm just listening. Not playing." Don insisted until he realized he would either talk out of his own free will or Liv and I would go all 'Dynamic Duo' on him and force it out of him like he was a perp. "Fine. Diane Rosenberg. Not sure of her middle name. It was my twenty-first birthday and she was my thirty-something bartender at the bar and in the women's bathroom. Elliot's turn."

We all had exasperated looks on our faces and I'm sure my story will pale in comparison to the rest. "Kathy Maureen Johnson, now Stabler. I was nineteen, she was eighteen and it was our prom night at some dumpy Day's Inn. Kay, Liv." From that tiny peice of information I gave they knew I had only ever slept with one person and they looked at me strangely. They all looked sorry for me, too. Except Liv. I love that about her. If I need it, she'll help me but she never pities me. And I never pity her. We both know we're too stubborn for that.

"Okay. Well, I've won again it seems. Adam Mitchell Clarkson. I was eleven. He was two days from his seventeenth birthday. It was behind an all-age club we went to every weekend and I was higher than a kite and drunk out of my mind. As was he. Well, I'm winner. As always."

Something about this confession just made me want to hold her. I could tell her smile was fake. Her laughs were forced. She had had a rough childhood, hell she had had a rough life in all and I knew she didn't like thinking about it. This game had been a reminder and it hurt her. I vowed as soon as this lock-down was over, I'd make her feel better. No matter the costs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**** Nope still not mine.**

**Author's Note:**** Well here's the second, and probably last, chapter of A Winner or A Loser. If you absolutely have to have another chapter or two I can make it a mini-story but I have to get at least ten reviews saying so. So, READ AND REVIEW MY PRETTIES!!!!!!!**

**EO FOREVER!**

**Luvins, **

**Jess**

They are headed out of the 1-6 Precinct after the lockdown ends, he a few yards behind her. As he jogs to catch up with her his head is filled with thoughts of what he is going to say to her to show he wants to understand, to show he wants to help, to show he shares any and all of her pain and most of all to show he loves her.

"Liv! 'Livia!" He takes a deep breath as she turns around and smiles at him. _Breathtaking._

"What's up El?" She stands stalk still as he walks the rest of the distance to her. "Don't tell me we have a case _now._"

"No...No that's not it." He swallows nervously, something she rarely sees in him, nervousness that is.

"Then what is it?" It is a rare occasion that she looks as she feels, but at this moment she does. And she looks generally confused.

"I wanted to umm...I wanted to talk to you." He chews on his bottom lip, a nervous habit he picked up from her.

"Uh, okay. I was gonna go grab a bite to eat. Why don't you join me?" She smiles and leads him out the main doors to her black Trail Blazer. She slides in the driver's side and he follows suit beside her in the passenger's seat.

"Mexican okay or do you want something else?" She asks, reving up the engine.

"No, Mexican's fine. La Cherreada?" He asks, even though he knows that's where they'll go because she loves it and knows he loves it also.

"Of course." She pulls onto the road and takes a right to take a fairly empty (as far as New York goes) road to their destination.

The car ride is mostly silent other than a few playful bickerings about what type of music to listen to, she wants rock, he wants oldies. They finally agree to put in Liv's iPod and let it play all various types. Even though most of the things she listens to are new and he likes oldies. But, unbeknownst to him, she's added some golden oldies to her playlist just for him. He smiles when _Love Shack_ comes on and she grins sheepishly.

When they reach the resteraunt they head inside and get their usual corner booth. She orders a chicken chimichanga, he a beef burrito. They order some cheese dip to share, a raspberry iced tea for her and a vanilla coke for him. This is normal, it is practical. Unlike the conversation they are about to have.

"So what'd you want to talk about?" She asks around a mouthful of chip and cheese.

"Uhm...earlier." At her quizzical look he reiterates. "That uh...game."

"Oh." She pauses as her face reddens then adds as calmly as she can, "What about it?"

"I uhm...I'm sorry Liv." He looks down into his coke like it has the answers to all the questions in the world but he soon realizes he's just trying to hide his eyes from her because he knows she can read him through his eyes, just as he can read her.

"You're sorry? About what? You didn't do anything." One eyebrow is raised in a very Elliot-like fashion and he finds it strange that they have learned to do so many things alike and yet are still so insanely different.

"I shouldn't have let them pressure you into playing that game. It was stupid and everything that was said was private information that you shouldn't have to share."

"El, I wouldn't have played if it bothered me that much. I mean Case and Mel already knew and it's no big deal telling you and the guys." She smiles at him but it is insecure. He knows she is greatful of his protectiveness and greatful that he cares but she's still insecure because he can read her so easily.

"Listen I know you better than anyone in that room and I know it bothers you to relive things from your childhhod. Please don't lie to me Liv. Don't act like you can handle everything all by yourself. I want to help you. Let me."

"Elliot, I'm not lying to you. It's fine. I'm fine. And I've dealt with it all, there's nothing for you to help me with."

"Don't do that Olivia." He says with a warning tone in both his voice and his ocean blue eyes.

"Do what Elliot?" She's getting angry and he can tell but he wants her to admit that he needs him, just like he's pretty sure she already knows he needs her.

"Don't act like you don't hurt. I know you do and I want to be there for you."

The waiter comes with their food and they finish eating in an abnormally akward silence. Elliot grabs the bill and starts to put enough money on the table to pay for it all but is intercepted by her hand. "I can pay for my own food you know."

"I want to pay." She sighs in frustation, knowing he isn't letting her win tonight and nods reluctantely. Saving all her fighting energy for the brawl she's sure they'll have when he insists on her coming up to the apartment she'll try to drop him off at. The one he still hasn't moved out of even though he promised his ex-wife we would three and a half weeks ago. And this is because he wants her, loves her. Olivia. Not Kathy.

They're all the way to his apartment before either of them speeks again. It just happens that he is the first to break. "Come up. We need to finish our conversation." She nods, still saving her energy for the following fight.

They make it up two flights of stairs to his apartment and end up on his couch, a beer in his hand and a glass of apple juice in hers. "Liv, let me help you. Please."

"Elliot, I don't need help. I've dealt with it. A long, long time ago. It's no big deal." She sighs and looks to her lap, manicured index finger tracing the outline of the pocket on her skin tight khaki capris.

"No!" His loud protest surprises her and she almost drops her glass when she turns to face him. "Don't you dare go there Olivia Benson! Don't say it's no big deal! Don't brush it off!"

"Elliot, what the hell is your problem?" She is outraged that he would talk to her in this manner and he can tell from the way her jaw is set and her lips are pursed.

"I hate it! I hate that you were treated like shit as a child! I hate it that no one did anything to help you! If I could I would find every person that ever hurt you and do exactly the same thing to them that they did to you! But I can't! I just have to settle for trying to support you and now here you are trying to brush off the fact that you lost your virginity before you were even in junior high! Stop it and just let me help you! Let me be there for you!"

His outburst surprises her and she knows the things he has said are true and suddenly there are tears on her cheeks and she doesn't care that he's watching her because she hasn't had a good cry in months and she knows he won't judge her for anything she does.

"Oh, 'Livia. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm so sorry." He cautiously wraps his arms around her and is pleasantly surprised when she accepts the embrace and even more pleased when her arms wrap around his neck and she buries her head in the crook between his neck and shoulder. She cries for almost an hour and when her cries finally turn to little hiccups he pulls her face up to look at him and smiles softly.

"Thank you." He whispers and her eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"For what? I should be the one thanking you."

"Thank you for letting me be there for you. And you never have to thank me for supporting you. I'll always be there for you no matter if you want me to be or not."

Out of pure instinct she leans forward and kisses him. It's soft and gentle and they both want nothing more than to lay down and make love to each other. She suddenly pulls back, chocolate eyes wide in shame.

"Oh my God! El, I'm so sorry!" She starts to stand but is shocked when his hand wraps around her wrist.

"No! No, don't be! I wanted it too." He smiles and goes to kiss her again, disappointed when she turns away, thinkig he misread the look in her beautifully hypnotic eyes that told him she wants him, loves him, just the same as he wants her and loves her.

"El, what about Kathy and your kids and the new baby?" She asks and he's pleased that she does want this just as much as he does but just wants to make sure it really is what he wants, what he needs.

"I don't love her Liv. To tell you the truth, I haven't for a long time. Maur already moved out, Katie's in the process so as soon as her probation officer gives her the okay she'll be at her own apartment and the twins are freshmen in high school. They'll be fifteen next year and going to driver's school and getting their permits so they'll be able to come see me and until then Maureen can drive them over. And...And she told me that the baby, it might not be mine. But she still wants me to come home, even though it most likely isn't." He gives a pathetic laugh and shakes his head.

"Oh. Wow, I'm so sorry El. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" She wraps her hand in his and he takes it as a sign of comfort.

"I...I felt really dumb Liv. I felt like less of a man. That my ex-wife was asking me to come home but sleeping with other men at the same time was really hurtful and...I was afraid you'd think less of me."

"Oh Elliot! I would never think anything less of you for something so stupid that Kathy did. It was her loss. You are a wonderful, amazing, gorgeous man and if she can't see that then she must be addicted to crack." He laughs at that and she smiles. That was her aim, to make him laugh with something that she truly believes in.

"I love you Olivia Benson." She sits there for a moment, trying to register that he, Elliot Stabler, her partner of almost nine years just said that he loves her.

Then she smiles. "I love you too, Elliot Stabler."

This time it is him that initiates the kiss and it soon turns passionate but she pulls back before it can go anywhere farther. "El, I gotta know something before anything else happens. Okay?"

"What is it Liv?"

"Why?"

"Why, what 'Livia?"

"Why do you love me? I mean, you could have anyone, hell I know for a fact that Casey's had a thing for you for quite a while and that Maria in Homicide is like, obsessed with you. So, why me? Why not someone better than me? Seriously Elliot there are so many woman that are..."

He cuts her off with his lips on hers and pulls back slowly. "Olivia, I don't want to hear how much better you think other people are than you because it's not true. I don't know one woman that has a kinder and more beautiful heart, or body for that matter, than you. You are empathetic, kind, patient, loving and beautiful. I love how, when a perp baits you, you can just sit there looking all calm and in control even though I know you want to beat the living hell out of them for whatever the hell they've done. But you don't. I love how good you are with children, especially mine, and how they automatically just love you. I love how all the victims can just tell that they can go to you for anything they need and that you always do your best to help them. I especially love how you're always there for me, whether I act like I want you to be or not, and I always do by the way. And I love how you always try to help me be a better man and do the right thing and how you always stand by me. I'm in love with you Liv. Every single little piece of you."

There are tears rolling down her face now and as he wipes them away he decides to move to her less important but still beautiful physical traits. All the while tracing what ever he was describing. "And don't even get me started on your body. Seriously, you're beautiful from head to toe. I love your golden, smooth, silky skin. I love your wavy auburn hair. I love your big brown eyes that I can see my future in. I love your nose, even though I know you hate it. I love your lips. _God_, do I love your lips. And your chin and your cheeks and your jaw. I love your ears and your long beautiful neck. I love your breasts. They're not too small and not too big and they're perky and God, you don't even understand how long I've been undressing you with my eyes. And your waist, it's thin but curvy and perfect. Your hips are like a miracle all on their own. And your legs, Jesus, I'm pretty sure I've never seen anyone with longer legs. And your hands and feet, I love how, even though you're a ball-busting cop, you always have a manicure and pedicure. It's so feminine and sexy and, Lordy do I love you!"

She smiles and brown eyes lock with blue. "I love you too." They then kiss again, tasting and exploring new territories. They go at it for almost an hour until she pulls back and looks into his eyes, grinning. "Let's move this to the bedroom."

Three hours later they are wrapped in each other's naked arms and their hearts are beating together. Olivia then lets out an abrupt laugh. "What was that all about Liv?"

"I was just thinking about some things like oh...what the hell are we gonna tell Cragen?"

"Well, I was thinking...for now at least...not a friggin' thing. You agree?"

"I agree." She then pauses and when she starts speaking she does it carefully, as though not to upset him. "I'm really only your second aren't I?"

"Uh...yea. You could tell couldn't you?" He sounds ashamed and she immediately feels the need to fix it. Especially since it isn't at all true.

"No! God, no. I couldn't tell at all. In fact, you're the best I've ever had. I don't know why Kathy ever gave that up! Seriously El, eleven times! I'm gonna be sore as hell in the morning but it was _sssooo_ worth it."

"Really? I was afraid I wouldn't be very good. Kathy and I were both virgins and since she was sleeping with other men at the same time that she slept with me I thought that maybe...I wasn't any good and she'd finally figured it out."

"Oh Hell no! You're fantastic El!"

"Well you're sure as hell quite a few hundred times better than Kathy!" She grins and turns around in his arms to kiss him.

"We make damn good partners don't we?" She asks, grinning slyly and he laughs, nodding.

"Love you Baby." He says, yawning loudly.

"Love you too, El."


End file.
